Attention Science: I would like to formally announce one of the greatest finds in the history of history. Newton… Einstein… Mr. Wizard…. Bill Nye… Move over, there is a new sheriff in town.
Tonight I discovered a species of fish previously unknown to Science. The fact that it is previously unknown is not surprising. In what must be the greatest act of camouflage in the animal kingdom, this species of fish looks EXACTLY like every other species of fish. In fact, in all ways it is completely indistinguishable from any other species that science has discovered. All ways but ONE! This new species never ever eats. Nothing, not ever. I know this because I have seen the fish and have thrown every damn fly, streamer, nymph and terrestrial at them and they NEVER EAT IT. Clearly they have adapted to never eat. It is the only logical explanation.
I know what you are thinking, “Dan you are a genius! But how can this benefit me?” Simple. Now that modern science has learned of the existence of these masters of dieting, guys in white coats can simply take out whatever lets the fish never eat and stick it in people! Or better yet, stick it in a pill and let the person take it themselves as that sounds less painful! Then we will never have to eat again! Think of the lives that will be saved from choking alone. Not to mention accidents in Mcdonald’s drive thrus, fights over forgetting your wife’s order on the way to Taco Bell and coming home with the wrong Gordita, and the hours wasted saying, “I don’t care, where do you wanna eat?”
I know what you are thinking now, “Dan you have removed some of the worst scourges of our time, but I enjoy eating. What should I do?” What you should do is stop being such a nearsighted, selfish, nincompoop and shut the hell up. Farmers that have been saying they were going to retire next year since they were 60, but at 108 still haven’t gotten around to it, can finally catch Wheel at 3 in the afternoon. Ethiopian children will all sing “Somewhere over the Rainbow” in unison as now never eating will be cool rather than stupid. AND we will no longer find any constraints to growing human populations! we can put 100 billion people on the planet now!!
Again, I know what you are thinking, “Dan I am sorry for being such an idiot before. This is obviously the greatest thing to ever happen, but what precedent is there for fishing changing the world?” What precedent is there?? Jeez open a history book every once in a while. Fishing made permanent settlements possible on coastal regions in cave man days. Which was good because T Rex couldn’t swim very well. Lobster fishing is the only reason Maine exists. Plus, what about Moby Dick? Also, crabfishing (which is kinda like real fishing) gave us The Deadliest Catch and got Mike Rowe a Ford sponsorship. And he used to sing opera! Think about that! An opera singer slinging Ford F450’s! Now that is the kinda miracle that only fishing can bring about.
Ok I know what you are going to say. “Dan do you think putting your head on Mt. Rushmore would be gaudy, if we did it before the Nobel Prize arrived?” No, No I do not.
In conclusion, there are fish everywhere that never eat anything, as far as I can tell. This discovery will save mankind from itself. Eat THAT Malthus. Or better, DON’T eat that!